I really need something exciting in my life. I really miss my jewelry..I wonder if that time will ever come back around? For now, I'm pretending to be somewhat of a good cook and getting out as much as possible.
Thankfully! today was our GVRD Winter Babies 2010/2011 Playdate! There were just over 1/2 dozen of us, one with an adorable set of twin boys. All but one were boys actually. I have a feeling there is trouble of sorts on our horizons if we keep this up! While the babes don't "do anything" yet, they all seemed to wear themselves out by waving their arms, kicking their legs and chatting at one another. It was really so great to see the human faces behind the FB profiles and exchange stories and advice while soaking up baby-goodness! Gavin went to his daycare, and wow, how I miss it - not selfishly, but because of how happy it makes him. Will have to find a way to get him there more!
Bear's awake and coffee calls!
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Tuesday March 1
Meal of the Day: Steamed asparagus/green beans; homemade lemon pepper shake 'n bake chicken; seasoned brown rice (Recipes to follow)
Gavin quote of the day: (mom using potty) Gav: MOM WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! (insert mad face) Mom: going pee, what are you doing? Gav: Mom, you know better, this is the boys bathroom, go use the girls !!! (referring to the bathroom in the master suite)
Evan today: Loves them hands! And he is getting so good with them!
Activity of the day: Dr's (inconclusive! bastards!) As it looks, I need a new family Dr - preferrably this time in Langley. In a clean office. One that listens to me. Oh wait, now I'm asking too much :s
After which, our trip to the market. Note to self, Evvy hates shopping. Hates it.
Gavin quote of the day: (mom using potty) Gav: MOM WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! (insert mad face) Mom: going pee, what are you doing? Gav: Mom, you know better, this is the boys bathroom, go use the girls !!! (referring to the bathroom in the master suite)
Evan today: Loves them hands! And he is getting so good with them!
Activity of the day: Dr's (inconclusive! bastards!) As it looks, I need a new family Dr - preferrably this time in Langley. In a clean office. One that listens to me. Oh wait, now I'm asking too much :s
After which, our trip to the market. Note to self, Evvy hates shopping. Hates it.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
New Format!
Ok, so while it does feel good to rant, I'm going to try a new idea 5 times each week - posting only positive notes. So here goes attempt numero uno!
Monday, February 28th
Recipe of the day (I hope to cook at least one main meal each day, and Gavin loves to help!)
Chicken Chili Lentil Soup
Activity of the day: Play dough!! And assembling the second Ikea dresser...both very time consuming!
Gavin quote of the day (And he's always got something to say!)
(playing with his cars, as I eavesdrop) Car 1: Hi Mack! Car 2: I'M NOT MACK I'M A PETERBUILT! GEESH!! (I know its a line from Cars, but it was hilarious to watch him randomly burst out)
Evan today: I think he may have fallen in love with toys today. All he wants to do is lie in his crib with his playmat toys hanging above him, or, sit in his swing with the mobile going. Will break for food/changes, but isn't pleased when being held. This was all he did all day long! It was nice, but I almost felt neglected
Once I figure out pictures, I'll add those in as well !
Monday, February 28th
Recipe of the day (I hope to cook at least one main meal each day, and Gavin loves to help!)
Chicken Chili Lentil Soup
Activity of the day: Play dough!! And assembling the second Ikea dresser...both very time consuming!
Gavin quote of the day (And he's always got something to say!)
(playing with his cars, as I eavesdrop) Car 1: Hi Mack! Car 2: I'M NOT MACK I'M A PETERBUILT! GEESH!! (I know its a line from Cars, but it was hilarious to watch him randomly burst out)
Evan today: I think he may have fallen in love with toys today. All he wants to do is lie in his crib with his playmat toys hanging above him, or, sit in his swing with the mobile going. Will break for food/changes, but isn't pleased when being held. This was all he did all day long! It was nice, but I almost felt neglected
Once I figure out pictures, I'll add those in as well !
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Yesterday and Today..
Ah ha ha ha.
Gavin has learned the words "I hate you". And they were used mid-meltdown. The meltdown was so great, we got the neighbourly foot stomp from our celing, letting us know we needed to be quieter, or be reported. Enter Wednesday morning. My day continued with various meltdowns from him, Evan being fussy etc. and I'll admit to a slight melt down of my own hidden away in my closet, I have not ever been prepared for the words "I hate you" being screamed at me, nor how to handle it or how much it would hurt! All kids say it, he doesn't mean it, but it stings, it really stings. And the thing is, I know I didn't provoke it, he was mad at his toy so I told him nicely to calm himself down and suggested getting a different toy to play with.
By the end of the day, I was drained - it is emotionally, mentally and physically exhausting to have a day like that. All I wanted was a shower, that was it. Even to be Moby-free for a short while. Apparently too much to ask, and the thus became the start of a chain of events leading to now. DH came home, on his cell phone mid conversation. Whatever. Goes on the comp straight away and plays his game while continuing the conversation on the phone.
(Hi honey, how was your day? That bad hey? Let me take the boys while you take a time out)
A short while later (~30 mins) he kissed us hello, took the boys to watch "Survivor" (as in, fed the baby while watching tv and Gav still ran around like the crazy 4 yr old he is, but DH did pay attention to him) Okay, great, but I had to make dinner as we were all starving. Somehow the baby got returned and I was eating cold spaghetti while he went back on the computer. As I struggled to get both overtired boys to bed, he puts on his headphones. UMM! Whatever. So now its 815 and I'm actually wiped out. Exhausted. Evan was asleep in the Moby so I prepped some bottles and took him to bed with me. Of course, the comp is in the same room as my bed, the living room, so one could say my mood was visible at this point.
915 he comes over to me and asks why I'm in a "mood". (I don't know dumbass, why don't you take a guess) I basically told him off, I wanted to sleep at this point.
I'm upset because: he's slacking off in helping out around the house and with the kids again; I'm scrounging for education money while he finds every way to burn every dime we've got (literally, smokes, TV stuff, online gaming, drive thrus); finances aren't even a topic of discussion in our house - apparently we bought his DS a $400 grad dress, paid for the other grad shit and bought her a new (used) car - awesome; Evan doesn't have a dresser, or even clothes to put in it; I haven't changed my last name yet because his daughter hasnt changed hers and refuses to have the same last name I do (my kids have my last name); I got married, but haven't had a ceremony as his family is too much of a mess to be a part of it, including his daughter and he won't do it without her, understandable, but it does bother me. I'm sure there's more but I'm not a narissist - if that's the right word. I jsut feel like I'm in a rut with life right now and he won't even talk it out with me, that's all I want even if no solutions are found, just to vent it to him, without hearing how I'm over reacting or in a mood or how I'll feel better tomorrow. I don't care, this is how I feel now. And as my husband, I feel that's part of his role!
So we do talk a bit about him not helping out, but according to him I need to let him know what to do. He knew I had a bad day, so why would he not help me take a break? And why do I have to ask my HUSBAND for a RELATIONSHIP? Why do I have to ask him to be a DADDY to HIS CHILDREN? That alone makes me grumpy.
Thursday morning, his car was broken into, for the third time. First it was my car, and now his, 3 times over only a few months time. It now doesn't lock. This time though, they took his plates. I was out shopping, but he was informed when the cops were looking for him. The plates were attached to another stolen vehicle - and I'll end that story there.
I know that it's technically petty crime, but I do not feel safe in this building! And I'm really not a city girl! My values and aspirations as a mother are so different than what I'm currently living. And I really don't feel that he will actually move when it comes time to. But, why wait? I'm raising kids now! I need my family now! It's time to move now! We have nothing really great going here, we aren't getting anywhere here!
DH: "You're over reacting, this stuff happens everywhere, moving won't change that" But, I have lived in towns where everyone left their front doors and windows open overnight in the summertime to let the air in, cars are never locked and a B&E would be the easiest thing to get away with, but it never happens. That is where I want my kids raised. Even when they are older, I don't want them in a crowd like these ones.
Today I just feel like I'm running in circles, I don't know where to go, where to start, what to do and it's all really exhausting! Start with LeeAnne and Sandie's advice, apply for jobs for him, see where that goes. And tonight, all butts on kitchen chairs AT the kitchen table! Wires are being cut in Mama Bear's house!
Gavin has learned the words "I hate you". And they were used mid-meltdown. The meltdown was so great, we got the neighbourly foot stomp from our celing, letting us know we needed to be quieter, or be reported. Enter Wednesday morning. My day continued with various meltdowns from him, Evan being fussy etc. and I'll admit to a slight melt down of my own hidden away in my closet, I have not ever been prepared for the words "I hate you" being screamed at me, nor how to handle it or how much it would hurt! All kids say it, he doesn't mean it, but it stings, it really stings. And the thing is, I know I didn't provoke it, he was mad at his toy so I told him nicely to calm himself down and suggested getting a different toy to play with.
By the end of the day, I was drained - it is emotionally, mentally and physically exhausting to have a day like that. All I wanted was a shower, that was it. Even to be Moby-free for a short while. Apparently too much to ask, and the thus became the start of a chain of events leading to now. DH came home, on his cell phone mid conversation. Whatever. Goes on the comp straight away and plays his game while continuing the conversation on the phone.
(Hi honey, how was your day? That bad hey? Let me take the boys while you take a time out)
A short while later (~30 mins) he kissed us hello, took the boys to watch "Survivor" (as in, fed the baby while watching tv and Gav still ran around like the crazy 4 yr old he is, but DH did pay attention to him) Okay, great, but I had to make dinner as we were all starving. Somehow the baby got returned and I was eating cold spaghetti while he went back on the computer. As I struggled to get both overtired boys to bed, he puts on his headphones. UMM! Whatever. So now its 815 and I'm actually wiped out. Exhausted. Evan was asleep in the Moby so I prepped some bottles and took him to bed with me. Of course, the comp is in the same room as my bed, the living room, so one could say my mood was visible at this point.
915 he comes over to me and asks why I'm in a "mood". (I don't know dumbass, why don't you take a guess) I basically told him off, I wanted to sleep at this point.
I'm upset because: he's slacking off in helping out around the house and with the kids again; I'm scrounging for education money while he finds every way to burn every dime we've got (literally, smokes, TV stuff, online gaming, drive thrus); finances aren't even a topic of discussion in our house - apparently we bought his DS a $400 grad dress, paid for the other grad shit and bought her a new (used) car - awesome; Evan doesn't have a dresser, or even clothes to put in it; I haven't changed my last name yet because his daughter hasnt changed hers and refuses to have the same last name I do (my kids have my last name); I got married, but haven't had a ceremony as his family is too much of a mess to be a part of it, including his daughter and he won't do it without her, understandable, but it does bother me. I'm sure there's more but I'm not a narissist - if that's the right word. I jsut feel like I'm in a rut with life right now and he won't even talk it out with me, that's all I want even if no solutions are found, just to vent it to him, without hearing how I'm over reacting or in a mood or how I'll feel better tomorrow. I don't care, this is how I feel now. And as my husband, I feel that's part of his role!
So we do talk a bit about him not helping out, but according to him I need to let him know what to do. He knew I had a bad day, so why would he not help me take a break? And why do I have to ask my HUSBAND for a RELATIONSHIP? Why do I have to ask him to be a DADDY to HIS CHILDREN? That alone makes me grumpy.
Thursday morning, his car was broken into, for the third time. First it was my car, and now his, 3 times over only a few months time. It now doesn't lock. This time though, they took his plates. I was out shopping, but he was informed when the cops were looking for him. The plates were attached to another stolen vehicle - and I'll end that story there.
I know that it's technically petty crime, but I do not feel safe in this building! And I'm really not a city girl! My values and aspirations as a mother are so different than what I'm currently living. And I really don't feel that he will actually move when it comes time to. But, why wait? I'm raising kids now! I need my family now! It's time to move now! We have nothing really great going here, we aren't getting anywhere here!
DH: "You're over reacting, this stuff happens everywhere, moving won't change that" But, I have lived in towns where everyone left their front doors and windows open overnight in the summertime to let the air in, cars are never locked and a B&E would be the easiest thing to get away with, but it never happens. That is where I want my kids raised. Even when they are older, I don't want them in a crowd like these ones.
Today I just feel like I'm running in circles, I don't know where to go, where to start, what to do and it's all really exhausting! Start with LeeAnne and Sandie's advice, apply for jobs for him, see where that goes. And tonight, all butts on kitchen chairs AT the kitchen table! Wires are being cut in Mama Bear's house!
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Happy Tuesday?
So, my poor neglected Blog...today is a day against my religious views. It is sunny, warm, and I am indoors. I made it out for a walk and a coffee date with "the girls" and let me tell you, that is a full day with 2 boys. Now to "attack" my house. Ugh!
Since the last post, things have changed drastically, and then, well, sort of went back....but we'll get to that.
I had an amazing 2 weeks at Mom's in the sunny Okanagan. It snowed a ton! a couple days after arriving, of course, so as you've read - out we went! And much of that continued for the rest of our stay. Quality playtime with my boys, turning them into happy little punkins that slept amazingly. It was really just what THEY needed.
I had been having itty bitty text based conversations with my husband (I know, right?) each day just before bed. We didn't really talk about anything, other than the boys. And how he missed them..how it was too quiet...how he would put on Treehouse Saturday morning and no one came to cuddle beside him...then he missed me...it progressed a little more each day.
Then came Saturday. Saturday..sucked. For the first time since March 2009 (just one night) Gavin's dad wanted to see him. Now, I was advised to say no to him taking my son 4 hours away from me overnight and I was all for doing so. However, it is out of my control. He is entitled to do so, and me picking a fight about it, results in a big fail for me. I would have to move back to 'our' hometown and give up more custodial rights. So off he went. Now, the ex and I are only a little shy of really good friends, oddly enough, but something happend - he brought his fiancee to pick up MY baby. Now I'm sure she's great and whatever and I'm not going down that road but I did find a nerve I didn't know I had before - jealousy? I'm not sure, but it bothered me that my son was being cared for by his real dad and some girl (yes, I can call her a girl). And yes, that is hypocritical of me, I've been married a good long time now. Anyhow, I decided to keep myself busy and go shopping for some desperately needed post pregnancy clothes. Bad idea. How is it that my hips and legs are so small I need to buy little girl pants but my middle is so muffin-topped I'm up 2 sizes. It was not my day. And then, I felt like I was hit by a bus - the HAPPY bus. Mom and I were in a cute little Thai restaurant and I lost. my. mind. I was crying! All I wanted to do was get my son back and go home to my husband. Damn did I miss him! Gavin returned to my Mom's place on Sunday night and Monday morning, Valentine's Day, we came home.
We walked in the door and suprised Dad with Valentine's stuffies we bought along the way. All I could say to him was "shut up and let me talk". After the boys went, wonderfully!, to bed, that is exactly what he did. We talked, we cried and I got my marriage back. And you know, something had changed in him, he swore to never let me go anywhere alone again, especially grocery shopping. He realized what my average day is like and why I got to the way I was. He was so helpful and so affectionate and beyond what I had ever wanted and needed from him. It was a wonderful week. There's lots more since, but that is another story.
Since the last post, things have changed drastically, and then, well, sort of went back....but we'll get to that.
I had an amazing 2 weeks at Mom's in the sunny Okanagan. It snowed a ton! a couple days after arriving, of course, so as you've read - out we went! And much of that continued for the rest of our stay. Quality playtime with my boys, turning them into happy little punkins that slept amazingly. It was really just what THEY needed.
I had been having itty bitty text based conversations with my husband (I know, right?) each day just before bed. We didn't really talk about anything, other than the boys. And how he missed them..how it was too quiet...how he would put on Treehouse Saturday morning and no one came to cuddle beside him...then he missed me...it progressed a little more each day.
Then came Saturday. Saturday..sucked. For the first time since March 2009 (just one night) Gavin's dad wanted to see him. Now, I was advised to say no to him taking my son 4 hours away from me overnight and I was all for doing so. However, it is out of my control. He is entitled to do so, and me picking a fight about it, results in a big fail for me. I would have to move back to 'our' hometown and give up more custodial rights. So off he went. Now, the ex and I are only a little shy of really good friends, oddly enough, but something happend - he brought his fiancee to pick up MY baby. Now I'm sure she's great and whatever and I'm not going down that road but I did find a nerve I didn't know I had before - jealousy? I'm not sure, but it bothered me that my son was being cared for by his real dad and some girl (yes, I can call her a girl). And yes, that is hypocritical of me, I've been married a good long time now. Anyhow, I decided to keep myself busy and go shopping for some desperately needed post pregnancy clothes. Bad idea. How is it that my hips and legs are so small I need to buy little girl pants but my middle is so muffin-topped I'm up 2 sizes. It was not my day. And then, I felt like I was hit by a bus - the HAPPY bus. Mom and I were in a cute little Thai restaurant and I lost. my. mind. I was crying! All I wanted to do was get my son back and go home to my husband. Damn did I miss him! Gavin returned to my Mom's place on Sunday night and Monday morning, Valentine's Day, we came home.
We walked in the door and suprised Dad with Valentine's stuffies we bought along the way. All I could say to him was "shut up and let me talk". After the boys went, wonderfully!, to bed, that is exactly what he did. We talked, we cried and I got my marriage back. And you know, something had changed in him, he swore to never let me go anywhere alone again, especially grocery shopping. He realized what my average day is like and why I got to the way I was. He was so helpful and so affectionate and beyond what I had ever wanted and needed from him. It was a wonderful week. There's lots more since, but that is another story.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Snow day!
Just for future reflection purposes, I had to write a post about our Snow Day.
Gavin is now 4 and hasn't really seen snow - he was too little when we lived in the Kootenays and in Langley, we have only seen a couple inches fall then melt away.
A half hour after announcing our outing, I had 2 boys in snowsuits, a bottle prepped, dog on leash and strapped Evan into his Snugli atop my own jacket.
As soon as we stepped outside, the dog resisted, begging to go back in. He is a chi-pom and not fond of anything but warm sun. Gavin looked up at me and asked "Mommy, what do I do?" I suggested a walk as I'd like us all to burn some calories. The driveway had a slope to it and the further up we got, the further down went the moods. Evan was fussing over his cold face so I scrunched him in as much as possible and gave him the gumdrop. Gavin slipped on some ice, started fussing and insisted I hold his hand. The dog still resisted. Ten feet beyond the drive Gavin was done with trying to walk in boots on the snow, he had a slight bit of a meltdown. I picked him up and turned around. The hundred or so steps to the walk were difficult - baby in snugli, carrying a 4 year old and dragging the poor dog by the leash. Good thing a neighbour was on her porch or a smoke, or I wouldn't have had an audience; I think the bottle got lost somewhere along the way...
Gavin is now 4 and hasn't really seen snow - he was too little when we lived in the Kootenays and in Langley, we have only seen a couple inches fall then melt away.
A half hour after announcing our outing, I had 2 boys in snowsuits, a bottle prepped, dog on leash and strapped Evan into his Snugli atop my own jacket.
As soon as we stepped outside, the dog resisted, begging to go back in. He is a chi-pom and not fond of anything but warm sun. Gavin looked up at me and asked "Mommy, what do I do?" I suggested a walk as I'd like us all to burn some calories. The driveway had a slope to it and the further up we got, the further down went the moods. Evan was fussing over his cold face so I scrunched him in as much as possible and gave him the gumdrop. Gavin slipped on some ice, started fussing and insisted I hold his hand. The dog still resisted. Ten feet beyond the drive Gavin was done with trying to walk in boots on the snow, he had a slight bit of a meltdown. I picked him up and turned around. The hundred or so steps to the walk were difficult - baby in snugli, carrying a 4 year old and dragging the poor dog by the leash. Good thing a neighbour was on her porch or a smoke, or I wouldn't have had an audience; I think the bottle got lost somewhere along the way...
Monday, February 7, 2011
Running a Background Check
I read a blog post last night that was short and sweet, surrounded by pictures of love. There was one line that really struck something inside. First, however, I'd like to retrace my steps and look back at the beginning - as I sit here with my coffee, I'm (almost) wondering just how it is I got here..
A few years ago I got divorced, it was as though a switch was flipped and we both just weren't in love anymore. It was so clear to us both, neither was sad, we both moved on and we remain great friends. This is how divorce should be right? We were young and silly (3 weeks met to marriage) and marriage just wasn't good for us.
After moving out, I met a man. He was in a band that played in town. I was in front of the stage when a security guy approached me and told me that the singer wanted me to be at the after party. I don't know what I was execting, nor was I really a partier then, but of course I went. We met up at the bar and spent the entire night (past closing time!) talking outside on the patio in the summer rain. I was In Love. He encouraged me to move to the LM and we spent 2 years together. It was a beautiful relationship. We were so crazy about each other! Only, after 2 years it became very apparent that I could not have kids with this man. An exciting lifestyle, but I wanted a family and home.
Having an amazing relationship and an amazing divorce behind me, I'm now wanting the amazing marriage. I want that short and sweet blog post on my page. I met Alan during my relationship and we became close friends straight away. He was married but his wife always called me up to take him out as she 'couldn't handle a date with him'. Movies, golfing, we always had fun together. We had a good circle of friends and he played a key role in Gavin's first childcare experiences. Extremely long story, but his wife let me in on her secret that she was cheating the entire marriage. I couldn't hold this news to myself as much as I would have liked to and I told him. I helped him through his divorce as a good friend and somehow we got to this. We decided to get married and did (no engagement!) and started trying for babies. Right from the start we have been close friends and we had a good marriage. As I look from the outside in at other marriages, I wonder very quietly to myself if I am that in love...do I feel that way towards my husband? If not, is that because of recent events or is that a true feeling? I find myself actually wondering if I do miss him...
Of course I love him, don't get me wrong there. This man is the father of my babies, he's my best friend. I love him so much. Do I trust him fully and completly? No. Do we have things we both need to work on? Hells yes. Is it going to be worth all the work in the long run? How does anyone know? But my promise to myself is now this, that I will have no regrets with life and I will always have fun and happiness. I will go to my counsilling, the marriage councillor and I will do what it takes to save this marriage. If it's not meant to be, it simply won't be, and I'll be okay with that.
A few years ago I got divorced, it was as though a switch was flipped and we both just weren't in love anymore. It was so clear to us both, neither was sad, we both moved on and we remain great friends. This is how divorce should be right? We were young and silly (3 weeks met to marriage) and marriage just wasn't good for us.
After moving out, I met a man. He was in a band that played in town. I was in front of the stage when a security guy approached me and told me that the singer wanted me to be at the after party. I don't know what I was execting, nor was I really a partier then, but of course I went. We met up at the bar and spent the entire night (past closing time!) talking outside on the patio in the summer rain. I was In Love. He encouraged me to move to the LM and we spent 2 years together. It was a beautiful relationship. We were so crazy about each other! Only, after 2 years it became very apparent that I could not have kids with this man. An exciting lifestyle, but I wanted a family and home.
Having an amazing relationship and an amazing divorce behind me, I'm now wanting the amazing marriage. I want that short and sweet blog post on my page. I met Alan during my relationship and we became close friends straight away. He was married but his wife always called me up to take him out as she 'couldn't handle a date with him'. Movies, golfing, we always had fun together. We had a good circle of friends and he played a key role in Gavin's first childcare experiences. Extremely long story, but his wife let me in on her secret that she was cheating the entire marriage. I couldn't hold this news to myself as much as I would have liked to and I told him. I helped him through his divorce as a good friend and somehow we got to this. We decided to get married and did (no engagement!) and started trying for babies. Right from the start we have been close friends and we had a good marriage. As I look from the outside in at other marriages, I wonder very quietly to myself if I am that in love...do I feel that way towards my husband? If not, is that because of recent events or is that a true feeling? I find myself actually wondering if I do miss him...
Of course I love him, don't get me wrong there. This man is the father of my babies, he's my best friend. I love him so much. Do I trust him fully and completly? No. Do we have things we both need to work on? Hells yes. Is it going to be worth all the work in the long run? How does anyone know? But my promise to myself is now this, that I will have no regrets with life and I will always have fun and happiness. I will go to my counsilling, the marriage councillor and I will do what it takes to save this marriage. If it's not meant to be, it simply won't be, and I'll be okay with that.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
And the green grass grows all around all around...
Wednesday was a long hard day. The details are not needed, but essentially we picked my brother (H) up at YVR and headed out to Summerland. Leaving the apartment was harder than expected - and while I will be returning sometime soon, it's the knowledge that nothing is going to be the same. 45 mins into the drive, I was doubting my ability and desire to go any further. I really miss him. I do, and it sucks. Since that moment, I've felt like I was running away from a few angry moments.
In a conversation (in person) that I had with ADN, it came out that there was a sort of black cloud over us. He has always known I never wanted to raise kids in the city and here I was with 2. With the issue of our actual apartment, I was out looking at other places in town and he noticed that I was never really happy. Like I just didn't give a shit where we moved to because it wouldn't be "home" anyhow. He can't get a work transfer at the moment and won't move without a job. He had been dwelling on the fact that we can't get a place that will be home for me and he was afraid I'd either up and leave him or cheat on him, or become so depressed it would harm the kids, seeing their mom so unhappy. So that was the reason for the text that broke it all open. Of course we fought and argued, and it was the night before I was leaving so a solution hasn't been resolved and I still left. Maybe I should have stayed to work things out, but H needed his ride and I did still need to leave. I'm sure, we can work this out and I'm sure we can make future plans to leave the city but the pain is still a bit raw. While he his concerns are (sort of) valid, he did offer a divorce over text because "things got hard". Will he do it again? Is he really cheating? Does he have another motive? How could he give up the kids so easily? I'm really concerned that a reconciliation would only be temporary. Or say none of that is true, but would he actually move to a smaller town? He has always lived in a city and has always lived around all his friends and family, I'm doubting he would ever leave...Maybe we are just too different.
All in all, the trip wasn't what I was hoping for, I miss him soo much. I want my house, my "space"...I want to fix things..somehow...but I really really love having my family (mom) right now and its really what I need. H will be his own post, while things between us are not well (though he doesn't know about ADN) we are taking a 5 hr roadtrip together, so we will see what transpires there. I'm sure a good meal and wine with my stepmom will bring a lot to the situation, she is the woman with the brightest flashlight.
In a conversation (in person) that I had with ADN, it came out that there was a sort of black cloud over us. He has always known I never wanted to raise kids in the city and here I was with 2. With the issue of our actual apartment, I was out looking at other places in town and he noticed that I was never really happy. Like I just didn't give a shit where we moved to because it wouldn't be "home" anyhow. He can't get a work transfer at the moment and won't move without a job. He had been dwelling on the fact that we can't get a place that will be home for me and he was afraid I'd either up and leave him or cheat on him, or become so depressed it would harm the kids, seeing their mom so unhappy. So that was the reason for the text that broke it all open. Of course we fought and argued, and it was the night before I was leaving so a solution hasn't been resolved and I still left. Maybe I should have stayed to work things out, but H needed his ride and I did still need to leave. I'm sure, we can work this out and I'm sure we can make future plans to leave the city but the pain is still a bit raw. While he his concerns are (sort of) valid, he did offer a divorce over text because "things got hard". Will he do it again? Is he really cheating? Does he have another motive? How could he give up the kids so easily? I'm really concerned that a reconciliation would only be temporary. Or say none of that is true, but would he actually move to a smaller town? He has always lived in a city and has always lived around all his friends and family, I'm doubting he would ever leave...Maybe we are just too different.
All in all, the trip wasn't what I was hoping for, I miss him soo much. I want my house, my "space"...I want to fix things..somehow...but I really really love having my family (mom) right now and its really what I need. H will be his own post, while things between us are not well (though he doesn't know about ADN) we are taking a 5 hr roadtrip together, so we will see what transpires there. I'm sure a good meal and wine with my stepmom will bring a lot to the situation, she is the woman with the brightest flashlight.
Monday, January 31, 2011
It's my (Pity) Party, and I'll cry if I want to
Saturday morning started off amazing. The sun was shining, but Evan just wanted to sleep sleep sleep, and sleep some more, in his swing. The beautiful breeze through the window somehow inspired me to pack and clean as though I was on speed. I was on a roll. Then both boys wanted lunch. I strapped on the Moby and worked a bottle into its folds, turned on the oven, whipped out a salad and chicken fingers. In doing my power clean, I had neglected to change out of my spit up infused jammies or put on makeup (really, why?) It was exactly 12 noon, and someone knocked on our door..
It was our seldom heard from landlady and her son (the one never retuning my calls). He wanted to see for himself, for the first time, the damage in the master bedroom. Ok, fine, come in, we aren't mad busy. (Nor had I told them I was moving, making the box towers become elephants) So whatever, he takes a look, there's a Vietnamese conversation I'm left out of and then he looks at me with a smile. "Ok, I'm going to get to work!" "UMM..?!" "Oh, my mom would have called you but she doesn't have your number" (In my head: we have lived here a year, how the hell does she not have my phone # yet? We live 2 floors below her..) "Ok-ayyy" They decided at one point, to renovate the bedroom...well, both of them...and the floors. The floors? Yes, the laminate is all going to be ripped out as well as the carpet in the bedrooms. The only "safe" place in our small 2 bdr apartment is the kitchen. Awesome. And sure enough, right there on the spot, the wall came down and the carpet went out. All afternoon was the sound of construction, and the wail of a baby unable to sleep amongst the chaos. I really regret not being dressed that day, any chance of escape was shot down given that my dresser was barricaded out on the balcony outside the bedroom. Two miserable boys + one miserable mom = one long ass day. At some point while hauling out carpet remnants, LL broke the front door. I am still clueless as to how this was done by a 70+ year old, 4' 90lb woman, but the door was seriously done for. Now the chaos and spit up shirt are open to the passers-by, and on a Saturday afternoon, there are quite a few. All are curious to poke their heads in.
After several days of ADN coming in and out as he pleases "to see the boys" the one day I need (and want?) him there? Gone. Couldn't be bothered to answer a phone. I'm ashamed to admit it, but both the wine and the tears broke out early that night.
It was our seldom heard from landlady and her son (the one never retuning my calls). He wanted to see for himself, for the first time, the damage in the master bedroom. Ok, fine, come in, we aren't mad busy. (Nor had I told them I was moving, making the box towers become elephants) So whatever, he takes a look, there's a Vietnamese conversation I'm left out of and then he looks at me with a smile. "Ok, I'm going to get to work!" "UMM..?!" "Oh, my mom would have called you but she doesn't have your number" (In my head: we have lived here a year, how the hell does she not have my phone # yet? We live 2 floors below her..) "Ok-ayyy" They decided at one point, to renovate the bedroom...well, both of them...and the floors. The floors? Yes, the laminate is all going to be ripped out as well as the carpet in the bedrooms. The only "safe" place in our small 2 bdr apartment is the kitchen. Awesome. And sure enough, right there on the spot, the wall came down and the carpet went out. All afternoon was the sound of construction, and the wail of a baby unable to sleep amongst the chaos. I really regret not being dressed that day, any chance of escape was shot down given that my dresser was barricaded out on the balcony outside the bedroom. Two miserable boys + one miserable mom = one long ass day. At some point while hauling out carpet remnants, LL broke the front door. I am still clueless as to how this was done by a 70+ year old, 4' 90lb woman, but the door was seriously done for. Now the chaos and spit up shirt are open to the passers-by, and on a Saturday afternoon, there are quite a few. All are curious to poke their heads in.
After several days of ADN coming in and out as he pleases "to see the boys" the one day I need (and want?) him there? Gone. Couldn't be bothered to answer a phone. I'm ashamed to admit it, but both the wine and the tears broke out early that night.
Friday, January 28, 2011
It's just the beginning..
A very wise woman once said in her blog, that writing is almost always easier when we are experiencing the negative. With the recent events, I have decided to create a blog, as an outlet. A place for me to vent, gather advice and also document the happier times.
The New Year started off amazing. I am a new mom again, and lucky enough to be able to stay home and spend quality time with both of my boys. Evan is such a wonderful sweet baby and Gavin is over the moon to be a big brother, and he is such a help! We are all still adjusting, but I also don’t know life without these two – it’s a profound sense of completion.
On January 7th, as it most always does here in Langley
January 11th, it continued. I had given the landlady time to find a solution but I hadn’t yet had an update. I gave her son a call again to find out what he intended on doing. He was under the assumption the problem had been fixed. I firmly reminded him of the disgusting mould and the fact that the flooding occurs every time it rains, which in January is literally every day. He sent his brother in to steam clean the room. This was done, but did not clean the mould, or fix the roof. When I asked yet again about a repair and more permanent solution to the problem, he told me they would take care of it – in the summer. At this point I looked to moving (we also have carpenter ants and still no working door buzzer)
Earlier this week, the bottom of the wall began to deteriorate. The paint is bubbling and peeling, the drywall is soggy and crumbling away and the mould growing more rampant everyday (yup, its still raining!) Sure enough, after all my phone calls, the towel drying began. Both the landlady and her son(s) refuse to acknowledge the mould and the extreme health and safety issues (did I mention the “condemned” fire extinguisher we have?) Again I hear it won’t be looked at until at least the spring (doesn’t it rain then too?) So I waged a new battle – war really. The Tenant Resource and Advisory Center Langley
If I rewind back a week, there is also a point at which my “personal life” began to deteriorate. It should be no news (if you know me) that I hate the city, I hate everyday the traffic, lack of greenspace, the rush of people…need I go on? A combination of all this and topped up with some PPD and adjusting to my expanded family and it’s new dynamic, led me to collapse, ironic given the state of the apartment. I received a text early one morning that simply let me know that my marriage was over. Just like that. After a few texts and one emotion-packed conversation it was sorted out. Well, not really, I still don't understand. His reasoning was that I am not happy, although it had never been an issue before, I had never told him I wasn't happy. He knows I hate the city and therefore I should leave. Take the kids and go to where I am happy. Would he follow? No. Was he coming home then? No. A road trip is in order. I'm homesick, I have PPD, and way overwhelmed with the stress of the house. Knowing that I am returning "home" and going to see my family has brought a "band-aid" to the pain. I know that being around my loved ones and talking things out will bring some good things to light. There is a plan in place and with the help of my family, I know I can follow through.
I plan to blog about this trip as well as the rest of my "den-life" as a MamaBear, as I set out to recouperate, rejuvinate and rediscover. Thank you all for reading, I welcome any comments, critiques and advice you may have to offer.
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