Ah ha ha ha.
Gavin has learned the words "I hate you". And they were used mid-meltdown. The meltdown was so great, we got the neighbourly foot stomp from our celing, letting us know we needed to be quieter, or be reported. Enter Wednesday morning. My day continued with various meltdowns from him, Evan being fussy etc. and I'll admit to a slight melt down of my own hidden away in my closet, I have not ever been prepared for the words "I hate you" being screamed at me, nor how to handle it or how much it would hurt! All kids say it, he doesn't mean it, but it stings, it really stings. And the thing is, I know I didn't provoke it, he was mad at his toy so I told him nicely to calm himself down and suggested getting a different toy to play with.
By the end of the day, I was drained - it is emotionally, mentally and physically exhausting to have a day like that. All I wanted was a shower, that was it. Even to be Moby-free for a short while. Apparently too much to ask, and the thus became the start of a chain of events leading to now. DH came home, on his cell phone mid conversation. Whatever. Goes on the comp straight away and plays his game while continuing the conversation on the phone.
(Hi honey, how was your day? That bad hey? Let me take the boys while you take a time out)
A short while later (~30 mins) he kissed us hello, took the boys to watch "Survivor" (as in, fed the baby while watching tv and Gav still ran around like the crazy 4 yr old he is, but DH did pay attention to him) Okay, great, but I had to make dinner as we were all starving. Somehow the baby got returned and I was eating cold spaghetti while he went back on the computer. As I struggled to get both overtired boys to bed, he puts on his headphones. UMM! Whatever. So now its 815 and I'm actually wiped out. Exhausted. Evan was asleep in the Moby so I prepped some bottles and took him to bed with me. Of course, the comp is in the same room as my bed, the living room, so one could say my mood was visible at this point.
915 he comes over to me and asks why I'm in a "mood". (I don't know dumbass, why don't you take a guess) I basically told him off, I wanted to sleep at this point.
I'm upset because: he's slacking off in helping out around the house and with the kids again; I'm scrounging for education money while he finds every way to burn every dime we've got (literally, smokes, TV stuff, online gaming, drive thrus); finances aren't even a topic of discussion in our house - apparently we bought his DS a $400 grad dress, paid for the other grad shit and bought her a new (used) car - awesome; Evan doesn't have a dresser, or even clothes to put in it; I haven't changed my last name yet because his daughter hasnt changed hers and refuses to have the same last name I do (my kids have my last name); I got married, but haven't had a ceremony as his family is too much of a mess to be a part of it, including his daughter and he won't do it without her, understandable, but it does bother me. I'm sure there's more but I'm not a narissist - if that's the right word. I jsut feel like I'm in a rut with life right now and he won't even talk it out with me, that's all I want even if no solutions are found, just to vent it to him, without hearing how I'm over reacting or in a mood or how I'll feel better tomorrow. I don't care, this is how I feel now. And as my husband, I feel that's part of his role!
So we do talk a bit about him not helping out, but according to him I need to let him know what to do. He knew I had a bad day, so why would he not help me take a break? And why do I have to ask my HUSBAND for a RELATIONSHIP? Why do I have to ask him to be a DADDY to HIS CHILDREN? That alone makes me grumpy.
Thursday morning, his car was broken into, for the third time. First it was my car, and now his, 3 times over only a few months time. It now doesn't lock. This time though, they took his plates. I was out shopping, but he was informed when the cops were looking for him. The plates were attached to another stolen vehicle - and I'll end that story there.
I know that it's technically petty crime, but I do not feel safe in this building! And I'm really not a city girl! My values and aspirations as a mother are so different than what I'm currently living. And I really don't feel that he will actually move when it comes time to. But, why wait? I'm raising kids now! I need my family now! It's time to move now! We have nothing really great going here, we aren't getting anywhere here!
DH: "You're over reacting, this stuff happens everywhere, moving won't change that" But, I have lived in towns where everyone left their front doors and windows open overnight in the summertime to let the air in, cars are never locked and a B&E would be the easiest thing to get away with, but it never happens. That is where I want my kids raised. Even when they are older, I don't want them in a crowd like these ones.
Today I just feel like I'm running in circles, I don't know where to go, where to start, what to do and it's all really exhausting! Start with LeeAnne and Sandie's advice, apply for jobs for him, see where that goes. And tonight, all butts on kitchen chairs AT the kitchen table! Wires are being cut in Mama Bear's house!
Oh, it sounds like a rough couple of days. I hope things get better for you! If you ever need time off or just to get out of your apartment, you're welcome to come hang out here during the day. I have a spare crib for Evan's naps (the boys are still sharing one), and plenty of room for Gavin to run around. Just message me :).
ReplyDeleteStick it to him woman. He needs to know how you feel, even if he doesn't want to hear it! lol. Sounds exhausting!
ReplyDeleteI find with Jon I do have to specifically ask him to take the baby or take the kids. Sometimes I even have to specify that he is to feed Annika and that means actually FEED her.. not prop the bottle in her mouth while you play games and then take it away after an ounce because she will take her soother. It's so frustrating and I really don't feel like I should have to ask either... we just fought about this actually.. usually I just give and ask specifically if for no other reason than so he can't say I didn't.
I totally understand what you mean about feeling safe in the country. I get that there is crime every wheres and there is no way to escape it but fact is very real that the country is more peaceful. Not only are there less people with houses usually further away but in the country there is more of a family mentality. In the city you can live beside someone for 9 year and not know them enough to say 'hey I saw someone around your yard last night'. I have a neighbour that used his plow to help us get unstuck the other day.. NEVER talk to the man and in fact don't have good history with his brother but that's the way it is around here. Having your car broken into that many times is just crazy! you are so much more likely to see someone in your yard in the country than in the city as well. I can't do city living and I agree it's def better for kids.
Wow.. Sorry I wrote my own novel here. lol. But I def get how you feel. Keep your head up and don't get defeated. I don't know how people always get away with saying men are easy and women are complicated...
Mama Bear, show those claws and fangs and don't let anybody step on you! I can see how hard this is for you and to get past it will be even harder. Trust that you can find help from all of us who would readily call you a friend - if you need anything (even someone to vent to), I am totally willing to take it! Please let me know if you need an impartial party to just let it all out with.
ReplyDeleteC and I often have the argument about him helping more when he sees I had a tough day. He claims he can't read minds and I need to ask.. as my husband I feel I shouldn't have to ask him to do things he should already be doing.. I think men really are from mars. They're fucked.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry your days have been tough but you're being strong about it and even with the well deserved meltdown in the closet, you will get through it. Chin up, and you've always got us :)
I'm kind of in denial that my children will ever learn how to say I hate you. That must be insanely heartbreaking.
ReplyDeleteAs for ADN, kick his butt into gear. Delete his game, block the sites, whatever...family comes first and YOU DESERVE A BREAK!!!