And the green grass grows all around all around...

Wednesday was a long hard day.  The details are not needed, but essentially we picked my brother (H) up at YVR and headed out to Summerland.  Leaving the apartment was harder than expected - and while I will be returning sometime soon, it's the knowledge that nothing is going to be the same.  45 mins into the drive, I was doubting my ability and desire to go any further. I really miss him. I do, and it sucks.  Since that moment, I've felt like I was running away from a few angry moments. 
  In a conversation (in person) that I had with ADN, it came out that there was a sort of black cloud over us.  He has always known I never wanted to raise kids in the city and here I was with 2.  With the issue of our actual apartment, I was out looking at other places in town and he noticed that I was never really happy.  Like I just didn't give a shit where we moved to because it wouldn't be "home" anyhow.  He can't get a work transfer at the moment and won't move without a job. He had been dwelling on the fact that we can't get a place that will be home for me and he was afraid I'd either up and leave him or cheat on him, or become so depressed it would harm the kids, seeing their mom so unhappy. So that was the reason for the text that broke it all open. Of course we fought and argued, and it was the night before I was leaving so a solution hasn't been resolved and I still left.  Maybe I should have stayed to work things out, but H needed his ride and I did still need to leave.  I'm sure, we can work this out and I'm sure we can make future plans to leave the city but the pain is still a bit raw.  While he his concerns are (sort of) valid, he did offer a divorce over text because "things got hard".  Will he do it again? Is he really cheating? Does he have another motive? How could he give up the kids so easily? I'm really concerned that a reconciliation would only be temporary. Or say none of that is true, but would he actually move to a smaller town? He has always lived in a city and has always lived around all his friends and family, I'm doubting he would ever leave...Maybe we are just too different.
  All in all, the trip wasn't what I was hoping for, I miss him soo much. I want my house, my "space"...I want to fix things..somehow...but I really really love having my family (mom) right now and its really what I need. H will be his own post, while things between us are not well (though he doesn't know about ADN) we are taking a 5 hr roadtrip together, so we will see what transpires there. I'm sure a good meal and wine with my stepmom will bring a lot to the situation, she is the woman with the brightest flashlight.