I really need something exciting in my life. I really miss my jewelry..I wonder if that time will ever come back around? For now, I'm pretending to be somewhat of a good cook and getting out as much as possible.
Thankfully! today was our GVRD Winter Babies 2010/2011 Playdate! There were just over 1/2 dozen of us, one with an adorable set of twin boys. All but one were boys actually. I have a feeling there is trouble of sorts on our horizons if we keep this up! While the babes don't "do anything" yet, they all seemed to wear themselves out by waving their arms, kicking their legs and chatting at one another. It was really so great to see the human faces behind the FB profiles and exchange stories and advice while soaking up baby-goodness! Gavin went to his daycare, and wow, how I miss it - not selfishly, but because of how happy it makes him. Will have to find a way to get him there more!
Bear's awake and coffee calls!
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Tuesday March 1
Meal of the Day: Steamed asparagus/green beans; homemade lemon pepper shake 'n bake chicken; seasoned brown rice (Recipes to follow)
Gavin quote of the day: (mom using potty) Gav: MOM WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! (insert mad face) Mom: going pee, what are you doing? Gav: Mom, you know better, this is the boys bathroom, go use the girls !!! (referring to the bathroom in the master suite)
Evan today: Loves them hands! And he is getting so good with them!
Activity of the day: Dr's (inconclusive! bastards!) As it looks, I need a new family Dr - preferrably this time in Langley. In a clean office. One that listens to me. Oh wait, now I'm asking too much :s
After which, our trip to the market. Note to self, Evvy hates shopping. Hates it.
Gavin quote of the day: (mom using potty) Gav: MOM WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! (insert mad face) Mom: going pee, what are you doing? Gav: Mom, you know better, this is the boys bathroom, go use the girls !!! (referring to the bathroom in the master suite)
Evan today: Loves them hands! And he is getting so good with them!
Activity of the day: Dr's (inconclusive! bastards!) As it looks, I need a new family Dr - preferrably this time in Langley. In a clean office. One that listens to me. Oh wait, now I'm asking too much :s
After which, our trip to the market. Note to self, Evvy hates shopping. Hates it.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
New Format!
Ok, so while it does feel good to rant, I'm going to try a new idea 5 times each week - posting only positive notes. So here goes attempt numero uno!
Monday, February 28th
Recipe of the day (I hope to cook at least one main meal each day, and Gavin loves to help!)
Chicken Chili Lentil Soup
Activity of the day: Play dough!! And assembling the second Ikea dresser...both very time consuming!
Gavin quote of the day (And he's always got something to say!)
(playing with his cars, as I eavesdrop) Car 1: Hi Mack! Car 2: I'M NOT MACK I'M A PETERBUILT! GEESH!! (I know its a line from Cars, but it was hilarious to watch him randomly burst out)
Evan today: I think he may have fallen in love with toys today. All he wants to do is lie in his crib with his playmat toys hanging above him, or, sit in his swing with the mobile going. Will break for food/changes, but isn't pleased when being held. This was all he did all day long! It was nice, but I almost felt neglected
Once I figure out pictures, I'll add those in as well !
Monday, February 28th
Recipe of the day (I hope to cook at least one main meal each day, and Gavin loves to help!)
Chicken Chili Lentil Soup
Activity of the day: Play dough!! And assembling the second Ikea dresser...both very time consuming!
Gavin quote of the day (And he's always got something to say!)
(playing with his cars, as I eavesdrop) Car 1: Hi Mack! Car 2: I'M NOT MACK I'M A PETERBUILT! GEESH!! (I know its a line from Cars, but it was hilarious to watch him randomly burst out)
Evan today: I think he may have fallen in love with toys today. All he wants to do is lie in his crib with his playmat toys hanging above him, or, sit in his swing with the mobile going. Will break for food/changes, but isn't pleased when being held. This was all he did all day long! It was nice, but I almost felt neglected
Once I figure out pictures, I'll add those in as well !
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Yesterday and Today..
Ah ha ha ha.
Gavin has learned the words "I hate you". And they were used mid-meltdown. The meltdown was so great, we got the neighbourly foot stomp from our celing, letting us know we needed to be quieter, or be reported. Enter Wednesday morning. My day continued with various meltdowns from him, Evan being fussy etc. and I'll admit to a slight melt down of my own hidden away in my closet, I have not ever been prepared for the words "I hate you" being screamed at me, nor how to handle it or how much it would hurt! All kids say it, he doesn't mean it, but it stings, it really stings. And the thing is, I know I didn't provoke it, he was mad at his toy so I told him nicely to calm himself down and suggested getting a different toy to play with.
By the end of the day, I was drained - it is emotionally, mentally and physically exhausting to have a day like that. All I wanted was a shower, that was it. Even to be Moby-free for a short while. Apparently too much to ask, and the thus became the start of a chain of events leading to now. DH came home, on his cell phone mid conversation. Whatever. Goes on the comp straight away and plays his game while continuing the conversation on the phone.
(Hi honey, how was your day? That bad hey? Let me take the boys while you take a time out)
A short while later (~30 mins) he kissed us hello, took the boys to watch "Survivor" (as in, fed the baby while watching tv and Gav still ran around like the crazy 4 yr old he is, but DH did pay attention to him) Okay, great, but I had to make dinner as we were all starving. Somehow the baby got returned and I was eating cold spaghetti while he went back on the computer. As I struggled to get both overtired boys to bed, he puts on his headphones. UMM! Whatever. So now its 815 and I'm actually wiped out. Exhausted. Evan was asleep in the Moby so I prepped some bottles and took him to bed with me. Of course, the comp is in the same room as my bed, the living room, so one could say my mood was visible at this point.
915 he comes over to me and asks why I'm in a "mood". (I don't know dumbass, why don't you take a guess) I basically told him off, I wanted to sleep at this point.
I'm upset because: he's slacking off in helping out around the house and with the kids again; I'm scrounging for education money while he finds every way to burn every dime we've got (literally, smokes, TV stuff, online gaming, drive thrus); finances aren't even a topic of discussion in our house - apparently we bought his DS a $400 grad dress, paid for the other grad shit and bought her a new (used) car - awesome; Evan doesn't have a dresser, or even clothes to put in it; I haven't changed my last name yet because his daughter hasnt changed hers and refuses to have the same last name I do (my kids have my last name); I got married, but haven't had a ceremony as his family is too much of a mess to be a part of it, including his daughter and he won't do it without her, understandable, but it does bother me. I'm sure there's more but I'm not a narissist - if that's the right word. I jsut feel like I'm in a rut with life right now and he won't even talk it out with me, that's all I want even if no solutions are found, just to vent it to him, without hearing how I'm over reacting or in a mood or how I'll feel better tomorrow. I don't care, this is how I feel now. And as my husband, I feel that's part of his role!
So we do talk a bit about him not helping out, but according to him I need to let him know what to do. He knew I had a bad day, so why would he not help me take a break? And why do I have to ask my HUSBAND for a RELATIONSHIP? Why do I have to ask him to be a DADDY to HIS CHILDREN? That alone makes me grumpy.
Thursday morning, his car was broken into, for the third time. First it was my car, and now his, 3 times over only a few months time. It now doesn't lock. This time though, they took his plates. I was out shopping, but he was informed when the cops were looking for him. The plates were attached to another stolen vehicle - and I'll end that story there.
I know that it's technically petty crime, but I do not feel safe in this building! And I'm really not a city girl! My values and aspirations as a mother are so different than what I'm currently living. And I really don't feel that he will actually move when it comes time to. But, why wait? I'm raising kids now! I need my family now! It's time to move now! We have nothing really great going here, we aren't getting anywhere here!
DH: "You're over reacting, this stuff happens everywhere, moving won't change that" But, I have lived in towns where everyone left their front doors and windows open overnight in the summertime to let the air in, cars are never locked and a B&E would be the easiest thing to get away with, but it never happens. That is where I want my kids raised. Even when they are older, I don't want them in a crowd like these ones.
Today I just feel like I'm running in circles, I don't know where to go, where to start, what to do and it's all really exhausting! Start with LeeAnne and Sandie's advice, apply for jobs for him, see where that goes. And tonight, all butts on kitchen chairs AT the kitchen table! Wires are being cut in Mama Bear's house!
Gavin has learned the words "I hate you". And they were used mid-meltdown. The meltdown was so great, we got the neighbourly foot stomp from our celing, letting us know we needed to be quieter, or be reported. Enter Wednesday morning. My day continued with various meltdowns from him, Evan being fussy etc. and I'll admit to a slight melt down of my own hidden away in my closet, I have not ever been prepared for the words "I hate you" being screamed at me, nor how to handle it or how much it would hurt! All kids say it, he doesn't mean it, but it stings, it really stings. And the thing is, I know I didn't provoke it, he was mad at his toy so I told him nicely to calm himself down and suggested getting a different toy to play with.
By the end of the day, I was drained - it is emotionally, mentally and physically exhausting to have a day like that. All I wanted was a shower, that was it. Even to be Moby-free for a short while. Apparently too much to ask, and the thus became the start of a chain of events leading to now. DH came home, on his cell phone mid conversation. Whatever. Goes on the comp straight away and plays his game while continuing the conversation on the phone.
(Hi honey, how was your day? That bad hey? Let me take the boys while you take a time out)
A short while later (~30 mins) he kissed us hello, took the boys to watch "Survivor" (as in, fed the baby while watching tv and Gav still ran around like the crazy 4 yr old he is, but DH did pay attention to him) Okay, great, but I had to make dinner as we were all starving. Somehow the baby got returned and I was eating cold spaghetti while he went back on the computer. As I struggled to get both overtired boys to bed, he puts on his headphones. UMM! Whatever. So now its 815 and I'm actually wiped out. Exhausted. Evan was asleep in the Moby so I prepped some bottles and took him to bed with me. Of course, the comp is in the same room as my bed, the living room, so one could say my mood was visible at this point.
915 he comes over to me and asks why I'm in a "mood". (I don't know dumbass, why don't you take a guess) I basically told him off, I wanted to sleep at this point.
I'm upset because: he's slacking off in helping out around the house and with the kids again; I'm scrounging for education money while he finds every way to burn every dime we've got (literally, smokes, TV stuff, online gaming, drive thrus); finances aren't even a topic of discussion in our house - apparently we bought his DS a $400 grad dress, paid for the other grad shit and bought her a new (used) car - awesome; Evan doesn't have a dresser, or even clothes to put in it; I haven't changed my last name yet because his daughter hasnt changed hers and refuses to have the same last name I do (my kids have my last name); I got married, but haven't had a ceremony as his family is too much of a mess to be a part of it, including his daughter and he won't do it without her, understandable, but it does bother me. I'm sure there's more but I'm not a narissist - if that's the right word. I jsut feel like I'm in a rut with life right now and he won't even talk it out with me, that's all I want even if no solutions are found, just to vent it to him, without hearing how I'm over reacting or in a mood or how I'll feel better tomorrow. I don't care, this is how I feel now. And as my husband, I feel that's part of his role!
So we do talk a bit about him not helping out, but according to him I need to let him know what to do. He knew I had a bad day, so why would he not help me take a break? And why do I have to ask my HUSBAND for a RELATIONSHIP? Why do I have to ask him to be a DADDY to HIS CHILDREN? That alone makes me grumpy.
Thursday morning, his car was broken into, for the third time. First it was my car, and now his, 3 times over only a few months time. It now doesn't lock. This time though, they took his plates. I was out shopping, but he was informed when the cops were looking for him. The plates were attached to another stolen vehicle - and I'll end that story there.
I know that it's technically petty crime, but I do not feel safe in this building! And I'm really not a city girl! My values and aspirations as a mother are so different than what I'm currently living. And I really don't feel that he will actually move when it comes time to. But, why wait? I'm raising kids now! I need my family now! It's time to move now! We have nothing really great going here, we aren't getting anywhere here!
DH: "You're over reacting, this stuff happens everywhere, moving won't change that" But, I have lived in towns where everyone left their front doors and windows open overnight in the summertime to let the air in, cars are never locked and a B&E would be the easiest thing to get away with, but it never happens. That is where I want my kids raised. Even when they are older, I don't want them in a crowd like these ones.
Today I just feel like I'm running in circles, I don't know where to go, where to start, what to do and it's all really exhausting! Start with LeeAnne and Sandie's advice, apply for jobs for him, see where that goes. And tonight, all butts on kitchen chairs AT the kitchen table! Wires are being cut in Mama Bear's house!
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Happy Tuesday?
So, my poor neglected Blog...today is a day against my religious views. It is sunny, warm, and I am indoors. I made it out for a walk and a coffee date with "the girls" and let me tell you, that is a full day with 2 boys. Now to "attack" my house. Ugh!
Since the last post, things have changed drastically, and then, well, sort of went back....but we'll get to that.
I had an amazing 2 weeks at Mom's in the sunny Okanagan. It snowed a ton! a couple days after arriving, of course, so as you've read - out we went! And much of that continued for the rest of our stay. Quality playtime with my boys, turning them into happy little punkins that slept amazingly. It was really just what THEY needed.
I had been having itty bitty text based conversations with my husband (I know, right?) each day just before bed. We didn't really talk about anything, other than the boys. And how he missed them..how it was too quiet...how he would put on Treehouse Saturday morning and no one came to cuddle beside him...then he missed me...it progressed a little more each day.
Then came Saturday. Saturday..sucked. For the first time since March 2009 (just one night) Gavin's dad wanted to see him. Now, I was advised to say no to him taking my son 4 hours away from me overnight and I was all for doing so. However, it is out of my control. He is entitled to do so, and me picking a fight about it, results in a big fail for me. I would have to move back to 'our' hometown and give up more custodial rights. So off he went. Now, the ex and I are only a little shy of really good friends, oddly enough, but something happend - he brought his fiancee to pick up MY baby. Now I'm sure she's great and whatever and I'm not going down that road but I did find a nerve I didn't know I had before - jealousy? I'm not sure, but it bothered me that my son was being cared for by his real dad and some girl (yes, I can call her a girl). And yes, that is hypocritical of me, I've been married a good long time now. Anyhow, I decided to keep myself busy and go shopping for some desperately needed post pregnancy clothes. Bad idea. How is it that my hips and legs are so small I need to buy little girl pants but my middle is so muffin-topped I'm up 2 sizes. It was not my day. And then, I felt like I was hit by a bus - the HAPPY bus. Mom and I were in a cute little Thai restaurant and I lost. my. mind. I was crying! All I wanted to do was get my son back and go home to my husband. Damn did I miss him! Gavin returned to my Mom's place on Sunday night and Monday morning, Valentine's Day, we came home.
We walked in the door and suprised Dad with Valentine's stuffies we bought along the way. All I could say to him was "shut up and let me talk". After the boys went, wonderfully!, to bed, that is exactly what he did. We talked, we cried and I got my marriage back. And you know, something had changed in him, he swore to never let me go anywhere alone again, especially grocery shopping. He realized what my average day is like and why I got to the way I was. He was so helpful and so affectionate and beyond what I had ever wanted and needed from him. It was a wonderful week. There's lots more since, but that is another story.
Since the last post, things have changed drastically, and then, well, sort of went back....but we'll get to that.
I had an amazing 2 weeks at Mom's in the sunny Okanagan. It snowed a ton! a couple days after arriving, of course, so as you've read - out we went! And much of that continued for the rest of our stay. Quality playtime with my boys, turning them into happy little punkins that slept amazingly. It was really just what THEY needed.
I had been having itty bitty text based conversations with my husband (I know, right?) each day just before bed. We didn't really talk about anything, other than the boys. And how he missed them..how it was too quiet...how he would put on Treehouse Saturday morning and no one came to cuddle beside him...then he missed me...it progressed a little more each day.
Then came Saturday. Saturday..sucked. For the first time since March 2009 (just one night) Gavin's dad wanted to see him. Now, I was advised to say no to him taking my son 4 hours away from me overnight and I was all for doing so. However, it is out of my control. He is entitled to do so, and me picking a fight about it, results in a big fail for me. I would have to move back to 'our' hometown and give up more custodial rights. So off he went. Now, the ex and I are only a little shy of really good friends, oddly enough, but something happend - he brought his fiancee to pick up MY baby. Now I'm sure she's great and whatever and I'm not going down that road but I did find a nerve I didn't know I had before - jealousy? I'm not sure, but it bothered me that my son was being cared for by his real dad and some girl (yes, I can call her a girl). And yes, that is hypocritical of me, I've been married a good long time now. Anyhow, I decided to keep myself busy and go shopping for some desperately needed post pregnancy clothes. Bad idea. How is it that my hips and legs are so small I need to buy little girl pants but my middle is so muffin-topped I'm up 2 sizes. It was not my day. And then, I felt like I was hit by a bus - the HAPPY bus. Mom and I were in a cute little Thai restaurant and I lost. my. mind. I was crying! All I wanted to do was get my son back and go home to my husband. Damn did I miss him! Gavin returned to my Mom's place on Sunday night and Monday morning, Valentine's Day, we came home.
We walked in the door and suprised Dad with Valentine's stuffies we bought along the way. All I could say to him was "shut up and let me talk". After the boys went, wonderfully!, to bed, that is exactly what he did. We talked, we cried and I got my marriage back. And you know, something had changed in him, he swore to never let me go anywhere alone again, especially grocery shopping. He realized what my average day is like and why I got to the way I was. He was so helpful and so affectionate and beyond what I had ever wanted and needed from him. It was a wonderful week. There's lots more since, but that is another story.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Snow day!
Just for future reflection purposes, I had to write a post about our Snow Day.
Gavin is now 4 and hasn't really seen snow - he was too little when we lived in the Kootenays and in Langley, we have only seen a couple inches fall then melt away.
A half hour after announcing our outing, I had 2 boys in snowsuits, a bottle prepped, dog on leash and strapped Evan into his Snugli atop my own jacket.
As soon as we stepped outside, the dog resisted, begging to go back in. He is a chi-pom and not fond of anything but warm sun. Gavin looked up at me and asked "Mommy, what do I do?" I suggested a walk as I'd like us all to burn some calories. The driveway had a slope to it and the further up we got, the further down went the moods. Evan was fussing over his cold face so I scrunched him in as much as possible and gave him the gumdrop. Gavin slipped on some ice, started fussing and insisted I hold his hand. The dog still resisted. Ten feet beyond the drive Gavin was done with trying to walk in boots on the snow, he had a slight bit of a meltdown. I picked him up and turned around. The hundred or so steps to the walk were difficult - baby in snugli, carrying a 4 year old and dragging the poor dog by the leash. Good thing a neighbour was on her porch or a smoke, or I wouldn't have had an audience; I think the bottle got lost somewhere along the way...
Gavin is now 4 and hasn't really seen snow - he was too little when we lived in the Kootenays and in Langley, we have only seen a couple inches fall then melt away.
A half hour after announcing our outing, I had 2 boys in snowsuits, a bottle prepped, dog on leash and strapped Evan into his Snugli atop my own jacket.
As soon as we stepped outside, the dog resisted, begging to go back in. He is a chi-pom and not fond of anything but warm sun. Gavin looked up at me and asked "Mommy, what do I do?" I suggested a walk as I'd like us all to burn some calories. The driveway had a slope to it and the further up we got, the further down went the moods. Evan was fussing over his cold face so I scrunched him in as much as possible and gave him the gumdrop. Gavin slipped on some ice, started fussing and insisted I hold his hand. The dog still resisted. Ten feet beyond the drive Gavin was done with trying to walk in boots on the snow, he had a slight bit of a meltdown. I picked him up and turned around. The hundred or so steps to the walk were difficult - baby in snugli, carrying a 4 year old and dragging the poor dog by the leash. Good thing a neighbour was on her porch or a smoke, or I wouldn't have had an audience; I think the bottle got lost somewhere along the way...
Monday, February 7, 2011
Running a Background Check
I read a blog post last night that was short and sweet, surrounded by pictures of love. There was one line that really struck something inside. First, however, I'd like to retrace my steps and look back at the beginning - as I sit here with my coffee, I'm (almost) wondering just how it is I got here..
A few years ago I got divorced, it was as though a switch was flipped and we both just weren't in love anymore. It was so clear to us both, neither was sad, we both moved on and we remain great friends. This is how divorce should be right? We were young and silly (3 weeks met to marriage) and marriage just wasn't good for us.
After moving out, I met a man. He was in a band that played in town. I was in front of the stage when a security guy approached me and told me that the singer wanted me to be at the after party. I don't know what I was execting, nor was I really a partier then, but of course I went. We met up at the bar and spent the entire night (past closing time!) talking outside on the patio in the summer rain. I was In Love. He encouraged me to move to the LM and we spent 2 years together. It was a beautiful relationship. We were so crazy about each other! Only, after 2 years it became very apparent that I could not have kids with this man. An exciting lifestyle, but I wanted a family and home.
Having an amazing relationship and an amazing divorce behind me, I'm now wanting the amazing marriage. I want that short and sweet blog post on my page. I met Alan during my relationship and we became close friends straight away. He was married but his wife always called me up to take him out as she 'couldn't handle a date with him'. Movies, golfing, we always had fun together. We had a good circle of friends and he played a key role in Gavin's first childcare experiences. Extremely long story, but his wife let me in on her secret that she was cheating the entire marriage. I couldn't hold this news to myself as much as I would have liked to and I told him. I helped him through his divorce as a good friend and somehow we got to this. We decided to get married and did (no engagement!) and started trying for babies. Right from the start we have been close friends and we had a good marriage. As I look from the outside in at other marriages, I wonder very quietly to myself if I am that in love...do I feel that way towards my husband? If not, is that because of recent events or is that a true feeling? I find myself actually wondering if I do miss him...
Of course I love him, don't get me wrong there. This man is the father of my babies, he's my best friend. I love him so much. Do I trust him fully and completly? No. Do we have things we both need to work on? Hells yes. Is it going to be worth all the work in the long run? How does anyone know? But my promise to myself is now this, that I will have no regrets with life and I will always have fun and happiness. I will go to my counsilling, the marriage councillor and I will do what it takes to save this marriage. If it's not meant to be, it simply won't be, and I'll be okay with that.
A few years ago I got divorced, it was as though a switch was flipped and we both just weren't in love anymore. It was so clear to us both, neither was sad, we both moved on and we remain great friends. This is how divorce should be right? We were young and silly (3 weeks met to marriage) and marriage just wasn't good for us.
After moving out, I met a man. He was in a band that played in town. I was in front of the stage when a security guy approached me and told me that the singer wanted me to be at the after party. I don't know what I was execting, nor was I really a partier then, but of course I went. We met up at the bar and spent the entire night (past closing time!) talking outside on the patio in the summer rain. I was In Love. He encouraged me to move to the LM and we spent 2 years together. It was a beautiful relationship. We were so crazy about each other! Only, after 2 years it became very apparent that I could not have kids with this man. An exciting lifestyle, but I wanted a family and home.
Having an amazing relationship and an amazing divorce behind me, I'm now wanting the amazing marriage. I want that short and sweet blog post on my page. I met Alan during my relationship and we became close friends straight away. He was married but his wife always called me up to take him out as she 'couldn't handle a date with him'. Movies, golfing, we always had fun together. We had a good circle of friends and he played a key role in Gavin's first childcare experiences. Extremely long story, but his wife let me in on her secret that she was cheating the entire marriage. I couldn't hold this news to myself as much as I would have liked to and I told him. I helped him through his divorce as a good friend and somehow we got to this. We decided to get married and did (no engagement!) and started trying for babies. Right from the start we have been close friends and we had a good marriage. As I look from the outside in at other marriages, I wonder very quietly to myself if I am that in love...do I feel that way towards my husband? If not, is that because of recent events or is that a true feeling? I find myself actually wondering if I do miss him...
Of course I love him, don't get me wrong there. This man is the father of my babies, he's my best friend. I love him so much. Do I trust him fully and completly? No. Do we have things we both need to work on? Hells yes. Is it going to be worth all the work in the long run? How does anyone know? But my promise to myself is now this, that I will have no regrets with life and I will always have fun and happiness. I will go to my counsilling, the marriage councillor and I will do what it takes to save this marriage. If it's not meant to be, it simply won't be, and I'll be okay with that.
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